things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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