I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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