There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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