i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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