Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
