Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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