Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
