I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
