do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
