I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
