watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
