I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
