Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
you never un-have a 4some
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
