I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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