i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
