I just made out with a guy for $7.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
