my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
