true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
