Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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