Michael Bay diarrhea
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm having to shit out rocks
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