I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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