Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
