She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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