i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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