eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
