Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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