Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
