Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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