I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
