i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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