I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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