last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
