I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
