C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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