I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
