did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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