I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
this boner is exhausting
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
