well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
