she was so not down for the gang bang
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
