If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
