I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
