He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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