ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
