Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
