Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
