Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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