fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
