Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
