I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
