dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
