is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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