he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
