What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
